The gift of pain hiding in depression - a poem

It has a strong pull on me, the zombie state
It’s so easy to belong
Such a generous welcome into accepted norms
Succumbing to distractions I got tricked
By my own mind
I thought it was my own choice
Betrayed, manipulated by an invisible force
At first it didn’t feel good, discomfort in my body
The weight of a heavy cloak
Aggressions of a modern kind
I contracted, angry, fighting, flames burning within
Ah, but the bliss of numbness called
It lured me in, slowly, like an incoming fog
I hardly noticed myself falling asleep
The part of me that was so willing to give up
Release all responsibility, not answer to any call
It’s all too much, the world is a mess, why bother
Hopeless, helpless
Ah it’s oh so welcoming this sleepiness
Watching the world pass by, corrupt, destruct
Entertainment
Nothing can touch me here
I see and I hear but I do not feel
I play the game
Cement has hardened around my heart
Like the cement that suffocates life all around me
Disgust and despair
Disappointment, so much disappointment
Don’t come to me here, don’t try to coax me out
With false promises and shiny objects
I don’t trust any more, I don’t need anymore
Feeling betrayed
In the very core of my being
I dive, underneath the surface, lured by the abyss
Darkness, so much darkness
A cold, dry darkness of not caring
Yet a strange sense of relief arises, meeting in this darkness
There is something more alive than dead here
Seeing eye to eye, face to face
Ah, I start to see you clearly now
You have been here for a while, feeding in the dark
The pleasure from the power of being hidden
The disdain that likes to control from behind a mask
A clever force hiding in sleepy numbness
Oh yes, I see you now
You are strong and powerful, rising up inside me
Arrogant and self-absorbed
But I feel you too, my friend
The pain of being outcast and forgotten
Rejected, mocked, misunderstood, not wanted
The agony of aloneness
No ears to hear, no hearts to feel you
Thrown in a gutter, bulldozed over
You found your own way to survive
And cry out for attention
Sneaky ways
But here’s the thing
You are no longer a secret for me
And I am no more going to reject you or ignore you
I am listening and feeling now
You are in me and you hold great gifts
Aha, you didn’t see that one coming
Yes, I see your gifts and I am ready for them to shine
Leadership, direction, a penetrative force to cut through
But no more sneaky games, no more hiding out in the dark
No more pretending to be oh so powerless
Victim of an unconscious world
I’ve got your back, brother, and I will hold you accountable
You care
In fact you care so deeply that it hurts
Yes, it hurts because it’s damn painful
To live in a world so disconnected from love
Zombie state, extreme arrogance, hidden in depression
In not taking action, denial of responsibility
The arrogance of not honouring the gift and magnificence of life
Of not standing to protect all that is sacred
Yes it hurts and it should hurt
Because that pain is the heart breaking open
It’s the call to action, to make something different
It’s the call to wake-up and care more
There will always be the pull of sleepy zombie state
And yes, I will succumb time and time again
Tired and weary and overwhelmed
But I will not stay there, in comfortable belonging
A velvety rut, sugarcoating the tragedies of humanity
No, I will welcome my dark friend to penetrate my heart
And ignite my inner fire to burn through the arrogance
To stand with my grief and despair. 

A poem by Georgina Peard